I know that my emotions and feelings are right up on my fingertips as I type what I have to say, and that if everyone who reads this were to comment, they might say, get a grip, grow up, remember, you have it pretty lucky in your life, etc, etc.
Well guess what, I do have a grip, I am grown up, and I DO know I have it pretty lucky! and most of all I am blessed by the one and My Savior Jesus Christ.
That should be good enough.
But I’m a walking, talking, living, breathing, sinner.
I have been an emotional basketcase the last few days(weeks some might say). It’s been building and building and building. I’ve read and read and prayed and prayed and I’ve talked to God about it on so many different levels of understanding from my heart.
I still can’t shake it. I still can’t beat the enemy inside of me. No matter what I do, no matter how much I think I believe I am still letting my sins get the better of me.
By choice. And when I do, that’s making it even worse for me, because then I feel like I’ve failed God. Not only have I failed my family at all the other stuff, but now I’ve failed God.
Which is BY FAR so much worse. I can’t make myself come to terms with that. My emotions about that are so far greater than anything else. It breaks my heart. I literally have had pains in my chest because I cannot come to terms with the fact that I know I have sinned and cannot control it, because I can’t control my emotions and feelings.
I’ve prayed, I’ve searched, I’ve read the Bible, I’ve sung to Jesus, I’ve worshiped HIM in every sense of the word. I KEEP letting the enemy in.
I know, I am a walking, talking, living, breathing sinner!
God will not cast me out for this, I know. I am forgiven, in spite of myself, once again.
Because He loves me. He gave me HIS SON, He sent HIS son on this earth to be crucified and buried and raised again! To take my suffering and pain. My God is mercyful and Kind!
Thank you once again Jesus for being there for me when I know that I haven’t been there for you the way I should. Help me to see the things I need to see and see them as if you were looking for me. So that I see them through your eyes.
I thank you for the things you have brought me through already, because I know I never could have made it without you. I am NOTHING… NOTHING without you. I can be NOTHING without you. I know that you will keep showing me your face, as I keep seeking, even when I don’t see it all the time. Because you are Almighty.